Ch92 - (II). Hard to accept

The words slowly wiped the mocking smile from Rong Jun’s lips. Disbelief flickered in his eyes as he stared at Yan Chen. He could still feel the tight grip on his hand, the dull ache of bones pressing inside him, but when Yan Chen raised his head, his eyes filled with genuine love and pain of letting him go, the pain began to fade, the knot in his heart loosening little by little.

“I’ve lost you… forever, haven’t I?” Yan Chen forced a trembling smile through his tears.

He hadn’t truly given up. The thought of imprisoning Rong Jun again had crossed his mind—again and again—even if forgiveness was impossible. To him, Rong Jun’s very existence was enough.

And yet, he let go of the thought. Not out of understanding, nor acceptance, but out of fear. If Rong Jun had once threatened to end his life before him, then he could do it again.

Yan Chen had no choice. His Qingqing must live… and even if he had to live without him in his life, then he will do so without any second thoughts.

Even now, he tried to stir pity, to pull him back. He gave him space, freedom, respect, and he kept his distance. He could do all of that… but he could not bear losing him the second time.

He only wanted Rong Jun. Only him.

But if keeping him means losing him forever, then for once in his life, he will do the right thing.

To end thus cursed love he has for him.

To let the person he loves the most to be finally free from his shackles.

This is the only way he can truly show that he has changed.

…

Back at the Crown Prince’s Palace, Rong Jun resumed his duties. On the surface, he remained composed, but those with keen eyes noticed the change. The once healthy, carefully maintained complexion had turned pale and withdrawn.

Yan Hong noticed as well. This was no simple fatigue. Reports from his subordinates confirmed it, both Rong Jun and Yan Chen were exhibiting the same conditions which means something must have happened between the two of them.

Yet he chose not to interfere. Rong Jun carried out his responsibilities flawlessly, leaving no fault for others to exploit. As long as official matters remained unaffected, Yan Hong allowed it to pass, though he quietly ordered the palace guards to keep an eye on the two.

…

Fragments of the past bled into Rong Jun’s present, clawing at him day after day. Every trace of pain resurfaced. He wanted to forget, to pretend it had never happened.

But even in that wish, the only person he could think of… was Yan Chen.

After bathing, Rong Jun sat on the bed, hugging his knees, lost in thought. The bed felt too wide. And the room was so cold that he shivered.

He lifted his left hand, staring at the ring on his finger. Conflict twisted across his face, he wanted to take it off, yet couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Life without Yan Chen had been too quiet. Each winter day felt colder than the last.

Freedom brought no joy, only the suffocating sense of another cage, unfamiliar and inescapable.

…

Moonlight spilled faintly across the bed where Rong Jun is sleeping oeacfully, then all of a sudden, it was blocked by a figure.

Yan Chen sat at the edge, reaching out to smooth the crease between Rong Jun’s brows. But just before his fingers could touch him, Rong Jun withdrew, curling in on himself, his hands tightening defensively.

Yan Chen smiled, but beneath it lay a deep, quiet bitterness.

Even now… even after four years… the happy time they shared together was not enough to carry them through.

…

Rong Jun slowly opened his eyes.

He didn’t know what had woken him, but he suddenly felt a presence.

As the haze of sleep faded, his gaze fell on the slight crease at the edge of the bed. Without thinking, he reached out and touched it.

However, sheet was cold.

Yet his palm felt strangely warm.

He frowned, his fingers tightening in the sheets as he buried his face into the pillow.

Two opposing thoughts tore at him, neither willing to yield.

Now… he no longer understood himself.

He doesn’t even know what he is thinking anymore.

Why was he tormenting the Yan Chen now, the one who loved him, for the sake of people long dead from a place that no longer existed?

He was in love with Yan Chen, more dangerously than he would care to admit, yet he hated him for the sins of his past self.

He loved him…

But… it’s just so hard to accept him again.